A very real reflection on how I feel about my body right now.

I'm having a hard relationship with my body right now.

How do you feel about yours?

A friend of mine wrote this beautiful and very (in my opinion) important blog post about body shame that made me think and feel a lot of things. One of the things it made me think of immediately was this quote by Brené Brown in her book Atlas of the Heart:

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives."

Truthfully, I'm feeling ashamed about my body right now. I'm not remotely "old", but as a 29 year old I've started noticing little things: cherry moles on my chest, crows feet by my eyes, skin sitting differently, a couple wiry black hairs that seemed to have grown into trees over night in places where there "shouldn't be" hair (WHY the very front of my neck???)

I started watching Euphoria on Crave the other day because I wanted to know what all the fuss was about (it's ALL over my social media), and 15 minutes in I had to stop. I'm at a place where watching half (or completely) naked, thin, young, pretty people shame each other just is not for me. This isn't about the show, it's probably really great- I just don't need more images in my life of what "ideal" bodies look like right now.

For me, this is a really hard thing. Simultaneously, while I'm judging and shaming my body, I've also been staying silent because I'm afraid that if I talk about my shame others will say "oh my god, what are you talking about?" or we'll all do that social comparison thing where we talk about parts of other peoples' bodies we love while not believing the compliments people give us on our own.

So my body stuff stays a secret.
So my body stuff stays silent.
So my body stuff stays judged.
The shame grows stronger.

But as Cate discusses in her blog (linked above), what if we OPENLY talked about our body feelings? What if instead of pushing down the shame and pretending that our bodies just don't really exist, we radically talked out loud about the hard things?

We're told every day by society that not only should we look a certain way, but we also definitely should NOT talk about OUR bodies. Judge other peoples? Oh, for sure. Look a certain way? Absolutely. But talk about YOUR body and your relationship to it? THAT'S A HARD NO.

Well that seems silly to me. Let's connect, let's empathize, let's step out of the secrecy, silence, and judgement.

I'll start. Here are 5 things I'm feeling about my body and don't know what to do with right now:

1. BLACK WIRY HAIRS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A TROLL. Do you have them too??? Please confirm. I hate them with the burning white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

2. I look tired. ALL. THE. TIME. Is this just how my face looks now???

3. My stomach just doesn't look how I want it to look. I am SO STRONG and yet I have never (in my life- this is not a new thing) had abs "the way I want to have abs". This makes me feel foolish and shallow.

4. My body aches sometimes. I had to get a cortisone injection in my foot recently because walking is now apparently an extreme sport? Honestly, that pisses me off.

5. I am the strongest, most physically and mentally capable I have ever been in my life. I truly love myself the most I ever have, AND I am experiencing the paradox of intense self-love and self-judgement at the same time.

How do you feel about your body? What do you feel? Would you be comfortable sharing?

This week's theme in our Empathic Movement classes is: "Compassion for self-shame" where you are invited (if interested) to not only talk openly about your body feelings, but also practice empathy and peace WITH those feelings.

This isn't about stuffing down our shame, NOR is it about going "I hate my body, period"- this is about acknowledging that those feelings are very real and true to you, and how can sharing those feelings safely allow you to empathize with yourself a little bit more?

What if this IS how your body is right now?

How can you find peace and acceptance of what your body is like rather than self-judge in silence?

The power of RETHINKING

If I were to disagree with an opinion of yours that you feel very strongly about, how would you react?

Would you feel defensive and try to explain why your view is actually correct?
Would you feel angry and try to explain why my view was wrong?
Would you feel no way at all?
Would you feel curious about my disagreement and ask me why I feel that way?
Would you think I was a jerk and probably avoid me in the future?

Frankly, I've always been a person with a LOT of ideas and opinions... When I was younger, I wouldn't voice them because I was afraid of conflict and thought disagreeing with someone was "bad" or "rude". However, over the last few years, I've leaned into my enjoyment of debate and learned to embrace (and enjoy) healthy conflict.

With that said, just because I like a good debate, that doesn't mean I don't get seriously triggered and incredibly frustrated when I'm communicating with someone who is so deeply rooted in their opinions that I feel as though I may as well be talking to an actual tree... (could I probably choose my battles and NOT have these conversations with those people? Sure, but that's a topic for another day).

One of my favourite books I read last year is Think Again by Adam Grant. In this book Grant outlines four main ways ("modes") we respond when presented with a conflict:

1. Preacher: When we're in preacher mode, we're convinced we're right. This is the style you use when you're trying to persuade others TO your way of thinking.

2. Prosecutor: When we're in prosecutor mode, we're trying to prove someone else wrong. It's not that our view is the right way, but we certainly view the other perspective as WRONG.

3. Politician: When we're in politician mode, we're trying to win the approval of our audience. We're seeking validation for our viewpoint.

4. Scientist: When we're in scientist mode we prioritize humility and curiosity over pride and conviction. You're looking for reasons why you might be wrong, not just reasons why you must be right.

These four modes pop up in varying amounts, and you may act more like one in one scenario, but another somewhere else. Here's an example of how these might play out...

Let's say your partner loads the dishwasher (in your opinion) completely and utterly wrong.

The bowls are put in bottom down, the glasses are in right side up, the cutlery is just thrown in willy-nilly like a yard sale. There's food all over the plates and nothing has been rinsed off. Do you:

1. Preach: Explain how they could load the dishwasher better and show them the "right way" things should be put in place?

2. Prosecute: Tell them how their way of loading the dishwasher is totally wrong and explain how nothing will get cleaned properly this way?

3. Poll for validation: Call up your friend who shares your dishwasher-loading philosophy to vent?

4. Get curious: Ask your partner why they load the dishwasher that way to understand their perspective better?

Reading through these, you might think, "Ugh, I feel called out- I guess you're writing this to tell us we should act more like scientists" or even "But HOW do I get curious when the other person is frustrating the crap out of me?"

These are both totally valid thoughts to have, and I want to be clear that I am not writing this to tell you that you "should" be doing ANYTHING differently.

The point of this blog is this:

When are times where you may benefit from thinking/responding like EACH of the above modes? When is being a preacher helpful for you? A prosecutor? A politician? A scientist? My intention here is simply to invite you to think of your reactions with a bit more awareness.

Can you notice thoughts, opinions, or behaviours you have that are so habitual you don't typically question them, and ask yourself if you can think of them differently? I.e., if you have a firm dishwasher-loading opinion, can you rethink this opinion OR open yourself up to hearing your partner's stance?