BEING rather than DOING

You know those periods when you're just in a funk and can't seem to shake it?

These periods can be draining, overwhelming, and just so hard. I want to share a practice with you that I've found helpful: being rather than doing.

If I'm completely honest, I'm actually in one of those funks right now.

The last two weeks have just felt like a bit too much, you know what I mean? Has anything happened? No... I'm just tired. So if you're also tired then hello tired friend- I appreciate you so, so much.

Here's what "being rather than doing" means to me and how I practice it:

• I remind myself that productivity is a social construct, and if I don't get everything done I will survive and so will everyone else.

• I allow myself to sit in whatever feelings come up for me and practice "noting" labelling feeling as feeling and thinking as thinking).

• Rather than taking on more things or DOING more to "get over" the funk, I treat myself with self-compassion and take more rest.

It's not easy to do these things. In fact, it's really hard. We're surrounded by a world that promotes "doing" instead of "being" and these practices encourage us to be our authentic selves rather than versions of ourselves other people will like better. If you're a recovering people pleaser like me, this is seriously hard work. When we're in a funk, we can feel like we're letting other people AND ourselves down...

Well we're not here to people please and to do things for other peoples' approval. We're here to be ourselves- and being ourselves requires that we show up for ourselves. It requires us to give ourselves the love we give to everyone else in our worlds. It is seriously uncomfortable at first, but it DOES get easier... and when we can practice loving ourselves in hard times, the funky phases become a little bit more manageable.

You can do this, I totally believe in you (and me too).

Working with your inner critic

What does your negative thought spiral sound like? My negative thought spiral generally (but also mostly *insert awkward gritting teeth emoji here*) goes something like this:

"Ah... I have worked so hard. Time for a break!"

"Alright, I've been sitting down long enough, it's probably time to get back to work."

"Why am I being so lazy? What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel like working?"

"If don't get this work done, I'm going to be behind before the week even starts."

"In fact, not only will I be behind, but if I don't get this task done then everyone will notice and be mad that I didn't do it."

*Scrolls through social media* "Oh my god SEE- everyone else is being productive and doing all of the things and I am just sitting here scrolling on social media and if I don't get up and work right now I'm going to fail at life and everyone will be disappointed and I'll also be disappointed in myself because I know I can do so much better than this blah blah blah I'm a piece of garbage, lazy, and while we're at it why not throw out the word fraud as well."

Well now... I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted and my heart rate is up just reading my own inner dialogue. It's just too damn much, and also frankly just super unhelpful.

I've done a lot of work to keep these spirals to a minimum, but let me be super honest about something... Over years of work, therapy, and reflecting, I've learned that your inner critic voice never goes away. It just becomes a conscious choice of whether you want to listen to it and BELIEVE it or not.

Here is something I practice when I recognize I'm in a thought spiral (or one is on the horizon): I practice listening to my thoughts as if they are a separate person or idea without actually believing them. Think of that inner dialogue like a toddler throwing a tantrum. How can you respond to the thoughts without believing them as true?

This goes something like:

Critic self: "Ah... I have worked so hard. Time for a break!"
Conscious self: "You're absolutely right, I think a break is a great idea."

Critic self: "Alright, I've been sitting down long enough, it's probably time to get back to work."
Conscious self: "Maybe, but it also sounds like you're not totally ready to go back to work. Are you avoiding work because it's hard or because you need more rest?"

Critic self: "It's just that if I'm NOT doing work then I don't feel like I'm being productive."
Conscious self: "Just a gentle reminder that you have been conditioned to believe productivity is a measure of 'goodness' as a person but that actually has nothing to do with your worth and rest is just as important as work."

Critic self: "If don't get this work done, I'm going to be behind before the week even starts."
Conscious self: "Let's prioritize. What actually needs to be done today and what can wait?"

Critic self: "X needs to be done, but I guess Y doesn't..."
Conscious self: "Awesome. I'm proud of you for recognizing that. How about we do X and when we're done X we take the rest we are allowed and that gives us joy and we can do Y tomorrow?"

This may sound super cheesy, but allows me to separate myself from the original unhelpful thought spiral.

In the wise words of Brené Brown: "I have two questions I ask myself when I'm about to freak out. The first is 'do I have enough information here to freak out?' The answer is usually no. The second is 'will freaking out help this situation?'. The answer is always no."